These last few weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life. Someone very near and dear to me is struggling with depression and it got incredibly bad. They would not let anyone in or talk to anyone for about a week. I was the first person they reached out to and allowed in the door of their apartment. For 2 weeks I was the only contact for this person. As much as I tried to get them to get help or talk to other family or friends, it was a firm no. There was many days of crying and feelings of hopelessness from this person. They did not feel they deserved the love and support they were receiving from the people who love them. About a week ago we were able to get this loved one to agree to start looking at options for getting help. We called the mental health services and they said it would take a month to get through the process and suggested we take them to the Emergency Room. We were able to get them to go but once there things did not go as they thought it would. They did not realise that there would be no leaving the hospital once we went in. Having some of the knowledge that I do from my schooling and where I work, I was all to aware of the fact that they would not be coming home with me that night. I didn't tell them that because I knew that if I had they would never have agreed to go. I question everyday whether that was the right thing to do or not. Now my loved one is in the Mental Health Ward at the hospital. Getting the help they need and deserve. It is amazing to see the transformation a week has made. They are eating and gaining weight again. They do not look so hopeless anymore. They may have been resistant to get help before but are now embracing the help and trying to think of the future and what they can do once they leave the hospital. I am not usually one to say that medication is always the answer but in this case the medication has helped so much. They got their new diagnosis and are working on learning more and asking questions on what they can do to live with it and work with it. After hearing this person talk about ending things and only having to outlive their parents, hearing them talk about the future is a relief. I can't imagine the things that have gone through their mind for the last 10 plus years that they have been hiding all the things they have been struggling with, but I am glad they decided to get help and as they say not have to hide anything anymore.
It is the hardest thing to go to the hospital and walk into the ward to have to see the person you love, but I know that I did all I could at home for them and now they are getting the help I couldn't give. There is a very long road ahead with many up and downs to come, but I will be there for this person even after them yelling at me to leave them and give up on them.
Sometimes I find it funny that I can work with youth who have drug problems and mental health issues and not let it affect me. I can go to work and then when I leave work they aren't my concern anymore (that sounds harsh), but I mean that it doesn't impact my life. I can separate work and my life. Dealing with this in my personal life I've been a disaster. Crying, angry, sad and every other emotion under the sun. The fact that my schooling drilled into our brains about self-care has been my life saver. I have to take time out for me. Yes I want to be there for this person, but I can't help them and be there for them if I don't take care of myself as well. I have never missed my guitar so much. I keep going back and forth with the thought of just going to buy a new one, but my guitar has so much meaning to me (my grandmother bought it for me) that I can't bring myself to get another one. Music is still my sanity but I've had to use it in other forms then playing. My other forms of self-care have had to replace my love of guitar for now.
As much as seeing my loved one in the hospital hurts, I know that they are in a safe place and working towards getting better. The worst feeling is knowing how understaffed and underfunded mental health programs are. The nurses have been amazing and I will forever be grateful to them. I don't think they hear very often how amazing they really are. They are doing the things that I can't do and other can't do for their loved ones.
It has been a hard and trying last while and I am starting to be able to see the good in everything. There was a lot of darkness and worry about what could happen when I wasn't there and had to go to work. But things are looking up and I am ready to start embracing this new direction that life has decided to take me. I know that I have a lot to work on myself as well, learning about their diagnosis and what comes with it, but also how to trust them again. There was many lies told to cover up what was going on in their mind. It will be something we will have to work on together and it will take time. I also have to work on forgiving them. I don't know right now what that will look like. Or how to do it. I'm not even sure what to forgive them for with all that has happened. It is another thing that will take time and will be something we work on together. So much has happened that I need time to process things and get things straight in my mind. They have been open and honest with any questions that have been asked and that makes things a little easier but sometimes the questions and answers are the hard to ask and hear. There are still many tears, but getting answers has helped.
There are many campaigns out now for ending the stigma on mental health and I hope that people realise that they are important. Mental health is a real thing and it shouldn't been seen in just a negative light. After dealing with the hospital in Emergency I can see why people don't want to get help. We were there for 10 plus hours before my loved one was admitted. And they were the longest, most stressful hours because my loved one had to tell their story 4 or more times to different people and it was already causing them anxiety just leaving the house. I wish there was a way to make people realise that mental health is just as important as cancer research or any other medical research. It is your brain, it's incredibly important.
Thank you to all who have been a support to me in this time and I am sorry for my long absence on my blog!
All my love,
Sarah
Song of the Day: Hold Onto Me by Mayday Parade
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